Prime Minister has not seen QE2 in person in “quite some time”

“The Queen is just fine, Oliver, leave it,” said Prime Minister Bertram Humps (Labour) while visibly irritated with this reporter. The PM went on to pantomime taking a phone call to avoid answering further questions.

Just last Tuesday, however, Humpty reported that he hadn’t met “in person” with Her Majesty in over a year, raising the question that Queen Elizabeth, now more than 100 years old (and surviving her would-be successor, Charles, Prince of Wales), may have fallen ill, or, perhaps, something more sinister is at play.

A palace staffer, speaking on the assurance of anonymity, said that strange smells have been coming from the Queen’s quarters.

“Incense, for example, and a clear smell of decaying flowers,” the staffer said. “We don’t see her or hear her. It’s only a few chaps even allowed in there. Mostly she hands little typewritten notes out through the letter slot. And those keep getting queerer.”

Reports of these odd notes have been sporadic, but consistent; ranging from curious requests (a note was reported to have said “tell the royal calligrapher to transcribe and bring me my deleted emails”) to impossibly vague tasks (another note simply said “eradicate the caterpillars”).

Some, however, believe that the Queen has been dead since at least 2021, and that this is all some grim farce to avoid upsetting the economy.

“She’s been dead since before Charlie,” said Shirley Copperkettle, 67

of Wapping. “They use Earl Grey to preserve her. They done it with the first Queen Elizabeth, and they done it with Victoria too. Me great granddad on me mum’s side was the royal tea keeper under Victoria. He told us all about it. Has a commendation on me mantel and everything.”